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[Nov. 6th, 2009|06:44 pm] |
every flower't in my soul consecrates to thine.
I've missed a lot for a girl of 21. I miss fun that was pretty much OOC. I didn't want to look like Courtney Love I wanted to look like my mom. Damn it. I'm going to dye my hair back and face the world like Johnny Cash.
Its a funeral every day and I just DIE.
Nathaniel if you read this unblock me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 31st, 2009|01:54 pm] |
Shit is pretty hard and lonely right now whatever surviving is my heart and soul. I give myself to poetry because art is not possible without a dance with death.
Blah blah
I had a Christian kind of week and I listened to a lot of Smashing Pumpkins and know that Today is the best song and it is exactly like apples that are kind of rotten very little brown with sweetness kind of leaking that sugar.
Speaking of I made turn overs with my mom that were fucking delicious and not sweet at all.
I'm still in love with you if you want me to be but I can't afford to see you die this way, and watch your Aries waste. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 13th, 2009|03:43 pm] |
I am on the cusp of starting great things.
I am losing what is most important to me in a few days I think. How can I sleep without you making spoons?
I fall asleep every night with my head on Josh's chest, or his face buried in my hair, feeling his warm breath on my neck and feeling his soft kisses between my shoulders and there is nothing like it to better rock me to sleep.
How can I go weeks and weeks and months without you inside of me? Making love to your words? How can I convey passion to you through paper that has never held enough weight before?
I am going to send you my love with every bar of my hand made soap, while I forge a better life for us because I know that all of this is for me. Giving us a fighting chance is the most you could do for us. I am willing to sacrifice your big fat dick and your sweet soft words and gentility and passion and smile and all your tears and hopes and dreams to keep our hearts pumping and alive.
I am going to make myself worthy of the better man that you will return to me as. I'm going to have money in the bank and lust in my heart and my fingers will ache from the love I send to you, darling. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 30th, 2009|12:58 pm] |
| [ | What it Do? |
| |  I like it raw | ] |
| [ | New Hot Jams |
| | space oddity | ] |
Does anyone still use this thing? Let me know..
I am blond now which I love and I got a lot of compliments on my gorg hair so I'm going to stick with it and make it as incredible as I can. Because what really made me feel good is having dark haired girls tell me I inspired them to try blond just one more time, as long as I can live the dream...
People always gossip about me, even my "best friend" and I just got to the point that I don't have to tolerate it any more and I won't settle for anything less than pure devotion and I'm not going to let people into my personal life only to have them discuss me day after day, because let me tell you, I am NEVER the hero in the story ladies and gentlemen. Even if 99% of the conversation was my gushing admiration... Whatever, you will never hear the good things. People only want to hear the bad things and just because I get a lot of attention doesn't make me a social climber especially when you are one rung down begin with.(Thats the only one, you can call me a junkie if it makes you feel alright)
I had a fight with Ayla where I attacked her integrity, but things like integrity aren't important anymore in people's scheme of things. Its all about who's coat tails you can ride to notoriety. But even hitching your wagon to a star like mine or Mikool's didn't make anyone remember your face more clearly. Not specifically you, you, or you, but I am sorry that I ever took you along for the ride.
Sometimes you just have to open your eyes and see that the people who talk shit about everyone they have ever loved are probably not excluding you. And I have been pulled into too much unnecessary drama as is, and have done a lot of work to not have any drama, and all the bull shit that I have been roped into lately is from you and only you.
Some people can never be happy for other people ever. For having more or... I think that it would be the worst thing in the world to be a jealous girl, envious of stuff. Things. Its so unbecoming and I find it in poor taste to so blatantly exhibit "sour grapes".
And low blows, which spoke louder than anything.
When I got my new car Mike was so excited for me. He was jumping for joy and programming my radio stations and was stoked for me because I got a pretty nice little civic and I would be learning to drive in it (my first drive ever was picking Kim up from her house with Mike and my mom), and Ayla was like, "its alright" and was a total bummer and wasn't happy for me at all and acted like my car wasn't all that great because she couldn't be happy that I got a new nice something and she didn't. When Ayla got Darby Thrash, we subbed it out and I was so excited for her and we planned all these adventures and it meant a whole new world for us. When it died, I wept with her. But she couldn't even do that for me and it has always been shit like that.
I had another sex dream about Samantha that was really nice. She was final word on my hair because her opinion matters most to me. Pat got a sweet new ride that had windshield wipers and fluid on the back windshield (whoa you never see that), and Aly is my current latest craze and I see her every day and we trade things and talk like Debbies the entire duration of our hang outs. Sometimes it's just a cup of coffee or sometimes its riding giant dogs that know how to hug. Um, if you read this I have really been enjoying my time with you. Your outfit today was kind of bananas. I loved it really I could just die, throw me in my coffin right now with those boots. (Good choice, Trixy, those boots are fresh.)
I'm having a RZA'S Greatest Hits Day and dreaming of you, Miiikkoollll.
And Butter you made me feel special Friday and you got the exact vibes I was sending-Best over 18 friend.
Shout out to Lee who totally saved my life! You life savor, you! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 27th, 2009|05:43 pm] |
I can't believe you can still look at yourself in the mirror.
I've been hanging out with some really great people, granted they aren't 15 but well, that just isn't my style anymore. You can have it.
And I know this doesn't mean anything but you know it is true even if you can't stand it... Or maybe you don't which explains a lot... If only, well never mind its too sad to be funny.
Samantha is still my best friend ever, you know.
Thanks for telling me everything and liking me more. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 20th, 2009|01:40 pm] |
Yeah yeah I know I thought I wanted it but I really don't because that was my life and I hated it and all I wanted was this this and this and one of them is you and not, well, the other you.
I'm going to have the best Thursday I never had and I will be like a Camel and find refuge and a watery oasis in the midst of the hot tar city, baby. Oh, man you have no idea how exciting this is for me and how completely lesbian I am right now over it.
I fucking hate Tim and Eric, and you, sir, could never know Bruce Wayne because he is good and relies on the human condition to shine forth from the darkness of Evil. Where you live. Batman is the furthest thing from you in real life. Because he is a dark knight and a beacon of hope and light and his soul mission is to put an end the scum like you. God what a claim...
I guess I'm just feeling affectionate towards you lately.
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 16th, 2009|06:52 pm] |
All these girls that were my arch nemeseez became my friends and I bragged about lying and blah blah hugged boys that wreaked like pheromones, and I had what very well may be the first beer I've drunk in a year.
I also wore my new favorite makeup ever which held my eye liner in place in the face of danger, like sweating like a whore in church. Only girls were allowed to use the toilette which reminded me how gay Justin still is, and with a stroke of luck my tan looked fantastic in the bathroom light any maybe in stage light, you know, where I was BORN.
When I think of you I think of a sunset after a bomb went off.
And people thanked me for coming and congratulated me on not throwing up or falling asleep, even though I desperately wanted to and I got a few sweet kisses on multiple cheeks and Josh forbade me to touch Taylor's chest which I really don't remember ever doing, but well... Forget about it, you would just tell everyone.
I had way better sex than I deserved and in terms of revenge, well, I got what I deserved.
I wanted to just yell at you you know that? I was going to say, "fuck you, you are not my friend," But instead I melted into you like I fucking always do. You have this way of putting a spell on every single thing you have ever wanted and I missed the days when all you wanted was me.CUE VOICE RECORDIIINNNGGGGGGGGSSSSSS
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 20th, 2009|01:40 pm] |
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I am so deathly afraid to get old because I feel like I won't have fun anymore and the high highs and low lows will be gone forever and driving around with Mike all summer will be gone forever and spending the month at Ayla's will be gone forever and the rock quarry will be gone forever and watching the fire flies and all the bees in wedington and hearing "watch out!" echoing forever will be wiped away and I am afraid that my smile won't ever spread all the way across my face again and that I won't ever pile ten deep into a car with all my friends again and I won't trail again and I think that I won't have friends again. I guess thats really it, I feel like I'll never have friends again. Like its over now but I still think that the one time I Roboed with Dyl and Taylor was the funnest time I ever had in my life and when I dropped acid with Butter and asked DougE why he was shaking but he wasn't and I thought I stumbled into all that net was the funnest time I ever had and when me and Zach jumped off the cliff over the water and no one wore clothes but Brendy and Butter wore shoes was the funnest time I ever had, and when Mike and I cried so hard the night Dylan died in the middle of a jam session was the first time I experienced loss and it was just fine in that moment that everything came down around us. And when I met Kim late at night around some pool with people I didn't know and we became friends and when I first met Lauren and she got us into a car accident was the funnest time I ever had-ish, and when Samantha and I played the slowest game of Uno while Mike peppered in a little falling asleep was the funnest time I ever had and my heart is so heavy just thinking about it and I get so jealous that kids everywhere are still sixteen and I'm not. I'm the old that I teased when I was young. And remembering Josh when he was still Thunderbird and he only tried to fuck me in his hotel room. And doing rolls with him and Mike and JR and Josh Wood and Ashley was the funnest time I ever had and smoking blunts with Steven and Bret Hutchinson and Lee and Taylor the night that Steven beat Taylors fucking ass in our favorite smoking spot that is no longer there was the funnest time I ever had and that night we climbed on all the construction equiptment was the funnest time I ever had too. |
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| sunshine |
[Mar. 7th, 2009|06:08 pm] |
I can't understand why people always tell me that my life sucks. Or people tell me that I am not happy or that I am depressed or living in squaller. No one knows because no one sees but I always get that my karma is shot and that I am an unhappy person and they say things like, "I am sorry for you. You CAN'T be happy, you are awful your life must suck why do you lie about being so happy? Your life can't be everything it seems to be."
But it hit me, somewhere on Albemarle Road walking to BiLo in the hot hot sun, holding hands with Josh, who was wearing no shirt, that my life is fucking gorgeous. And JUST Just now Josh looked up from reading beside me and lightly ran his fingers down my cheek and rubber his thumb softly across my lips and smiled so sweetly. I feel blessed to have such a great boyfriend right by my side that takes care of me and is so loving and sweet and has such a fat dick and looks so hot naked and tells me how sexy I am all the time. I am so lucky to have Jar home. I am so lucky to have Samantha to lay in bed and laugh all night with and get mad at and have her get mad at me, because that is hat relationships are.
And JUST JUST now Josh rubbed his hand on my bare knee and kissed me so sweet and told me he loved me and apoligized for interrupting me.
Jar and Samantha are sitting on the sofa across from us and they are both reading too. The house is so quiet and all the doors and windows are open and dusk is creeping in and I am so fucking happy to be alive and having just experienced this beautiful day. I'm glad that Jar is a free man to enjoy this day too and to wake and bake with us and take the "family outings" with us to the store and to get fast food, and last night I heard what I thought was Taylor scream my name when I was walking down the street. I can't go anywhere without stopping to talk to at least three people that I know from the neighborhood.
I'm going to go make love to Josh now and I can't be smiling any bigger this day. Oh, and my boy Champ stopped me today and is on his way over to burn one. I just hope that Kadoffi doesn't come by again and 3:30am again tonight and scare the shit out of the whole house. |
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| Things I love/ A small Wish List... |
[Mar. 4th, 2009|10:05 pm] |
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Kim, you gave me inspirational insight and I miss prowling in the lone wolf pack just you and me alone forever. No glory. I thought I'd memorized your number but I texted what I thought was it and received no reply.
I love tongue kisses the best. I fucking love sunday morning and singing sunday morning and feeling like fireworks look. I am a firm believer in the bigger the hair the closer to God, and I feel a blush come on every time (lots of times) girls tell me they adore my hair and wish they could have hair like mine and emulate me best they can but seem to always fall a bit flat (pun intended). I love that you cant be too golden brown in the summer time and how perfume smells after its been on skin all day in the sun and how black eyeliner looks when its been heavy the night before and hastily wiped away the morning after and how it just looks like you have great eye lashes. I love jewlery made of plastic and also made of white gold and I love big jewels and love love eye shadow when the sparkle is fucking fantastic. Annd before I forget I think that Stella McCartney has the cutest fucking panties I've ever seen. And if I do say so myself, my collection of panties is nothing to sneeze at, thank you, Josh. Only I really do wish above all that everything Juicy Couture touches didn't turn into terry cloth. And Betsy Johnson saved my life.
( small wish list )
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 2nd, 2009|11:08 am] |
Ok, so I think I'm about to embark on some strange adventure that will pull me away from you and you and even her for a week or so. Please please let me come back alive and not in pieces.
I really want to come back in one piece and when I do I'm going to have abot five hundred dollars in cash in my grubby dirty junky fingers and about three hundred dollars in product, three hundred if I break my back over you scum and let you have it real cheap, or I might just lock my doors and windows. I do for a fact know that when I walk through that thresh hold I want my man running to me and picking me up by the handfulls of my ass and stroking me on the inside like how I like it and there is no need to tell me not to do anything you wouldn't do because I already am by no fault of yours, I'm pretty sure though that this is going to include a gun. My hands shake when I hold guns. The only Magnum I have ever shot is Josh.
I just about threw your too cheesy pizza at the wall instead of out the window, I was fuming. And I am sorry about the broken plate and the needle full of bleach it is me it is me.
But this is all jut a maybe, It is up to my other man to decide and I wish he would get here soon I feel more dead than alive.
At first I thought I cared about all this and that... But I decided that I don't.
OOHH BABBYYY, YYOOOUUU GOOOTT WHAAATTT I NEEEEDDDD
But you say he just a friend... |
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| Tell me what you think |
[Mar. 1st, 2009|02:26 pm] |
So I just so happened to looks on the Sonic Death Rabbit and find this picture and it as takens at Tremont and I think this is Mikeal. Josh said he can tell its Mikeal too but when you think about it, it is only the back of his head but doesn't this picture look just fucking like Mikeal's back of his head?
I meant to tell Mikeal all this, and I don't know if you get it or not but I originally meant to tell Mikeal about this but then I remembered that he might not be able to get out for a while and I didn't want to forget because it was mad.
When it rains, in the house it sounds like someone jiggling the door knob.
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| hand jobs around here don't conme cheap |
[Feb. 16th, 2009|07:29 pm] |
You all can keep talking cause you don't know anything at all. You just don't want to see all those big grins spreading. You just can't stand to see all the rainbow sparks the roof of my house is admitting.
Its nice being able to walk around my house not quite dressed, to have two room mates that say I look beautiful naked. You all just don't know a damn thing, but I'll let you in on a little something...
No one lied when they said how sweet it all really is and how powerfully gorgeous and pungent the roses are on this side of my fence.
No one lied when they said, "Stand back!" because looking directly into the light will blind you.
And as for all those two-cents being tossed freely my way, well, if they aren't going into the Barcelona fund, you can keep them to yourself so your lights don't get cut off.
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 9th, 2009|04:58 pm] |
I've been in such a sour mood.
Natalie brought Mikeal over when I told her explicitly not to, someone else has been hiding here too, and with all the people in and out its just been a bother, even though these people are supposed to be my friends.
( A small note to Mikeal incase he doesn't come back over. )
So now that that is off my chest...
I've been a crab and Josh has too and its hard when there is a house full of people all bumming things off of me at the same time and talk talk talking about god knows what and going in and out. And Jar with all of his, "I'll buy some weed if you pay me back for smoking it," bullshit.
Living on my own is stressing me out. Life is a lot to handle. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 8th, 2009|06:47 pm] |
I'm sorry, this isn't what I wanted at all. You know I would stay if I thought I could but I am dieing and you can tell now. You could make me happy, you do make me happy! I just can't deal. I just don't want to hurt anyone especialy you, you are the only thing real that I have at all right now. I need to feel your warm hands on my belly when we make spoons to sleep. We haven't made spoons in forever it seems. You haven't made love to me in days, maybe you have I forget but last night I went to sleep passed out aching for you.
I know that you can't tell what I'm thinking, its just that I am worn so thin. Too thin to tell what it is that I am feeling and too sick and tired all of the time to let you touch me and heal me. All you seem to do is walk away, or shake your head or cry or go smoke a cigarette when you should be holding me together.
Josh, Josh I'm begging you. Please, please don't let me fall apart. Please, please save me. Its all I want in the entire world, more than your big fat cock or your sweet soft kisses. All I want is for you to hold onto me and nuzzle my neck and let me cry on your chest while you stroke my hair and the small of my back.
When you threw those papers my heart just broke but it wasn't you, its never you. One day I won't sabatoge our relationship and I'll let you love me like you want to and I'll let you be sweet to me like you always try. Even now when I'm done with this I'm going to call you over to sit between my legs and calm my blood. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 6th, 2009|12:45 pm] |
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So I opened old wounds but am learning to bite my tongue because everyone has shit that they are going through and everyone hates I guess one aspect of themselves and I don't feel like reopening anything that happened so long ago.
But it hurts and a lot of it was wrong and assumed. I never stole anything and I don't even remeber who you are talking about so its not that important.
Living here is like having one big mismatched happy family and sometimes we all yell at the same time.
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| Jar made steak and it made me really happy but he still ows me High-C |
[Feb. 5th, 2009|07:04 pm] |
So I thought it was over between you and I. I just couldn't stand it I was crossing my fingers for the worst and waited with baited breath for you to get what was coming to you. I sobbed on Josh's shoulder about you and it woke me late at night and kept me awake hearing you walk around the house scavinging. But tonight while we were making rice and I was saving you and we were eating around the house I remembered why you have been my friend for six years.
( Just a love letter to my Mr. Funderud<3 ) |
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| Mostly just a letter to Samantha, you know my girl Biggie Malls, One Love. |
[Jan. 31st, 2009|11:50 am] |
I have all these feelings that I don't know how to express, like my tongue is swollen. I just want to learn how to express the love I have for my friends but I think my smile looks like a grimace and I think that my words fumble over themselves and trip over my lips and fall out all wrong. I don't think these things but like... I can't be sweet, only sour. Josh would tell me, "You can be sweet, I won't tell anyone."
I'm not sure how I'll make it without you in my corner, I've grown so accustom to you, sweet sweet, I've never had a girl like you before. You speak my language, sometimes I think that you are the only one that can understand, what its like to be a vicious beast in a porcelain doll. I taught you what it was to be dead and to feel godliness and I hope you beat the devil. You taught me how to be beautiful.
I'm just really sad. I don't want everything to end like this. I would see no peace, way to keep me up at night, missing you. You told me once, "I miss you terribly when you are so far away." Thats what I remember us being like, nothing but love love love. Why have we been so bitchy to each other lately? Just ever so recently we have been really bitchy, its just that junkie shit... You know what I'm talking about, I can't stand it in the house. It stresses me out. But you are right down the street and I want you really bad, like to look at me and consider me and hold me in your eyes. God, Samantha everyone hates you, everyone hates me too but we always loved each other and thats what was important because we never raised our voices or hit each other and we flattered each other and traded clothes! And I painted your nails, like a billion times! And we did each other's hair, and traded make-up and told each other every awesome gruesome anything that happened or we wanted and we were partners for that "scheme" that hilarious scheme. What were we thinking? We got drunk and said "I love you." God, Samantha! Like real girls do! |
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| Sleep all day, it's the only way. I'm a parasite, I creep about at night. |
[Jan. 29th, 2009|02:20 pm] |
Hey, hey, I don't work 'cause I don't have to
I don't have to work there's no work to do
Nite club, I'm a member of the nite club
Mikeal woke me up just about and the early morning was cold cold and Jesse just doesn't seem to get it through his head that I don't want him coming over, just stopping by, bring people, but since I hadn't seen Mikeal in a while I brought them in and we smoked a cigarette and promptly got kicked out and some junkies came over that I hatehate. Not Clay of course, no one hates Clay, and Nathaniel is anxious to die already and Sam should be coming over soon but I'm pretty tired, I have been in my jammies watching day time TV all day while Josh is at work bringing home the bacon.
I washed my sheets and Josh dumped a huge full ashtray right in the bed ruining everything, I was going to leave and I said I would but he knocked on my window and told me not to and pressed his fingertips to the screen. Which was my kiss 'good morning' and my plea not to leave and I don't remember crying all night but I probably did.
Josh wore his shirt open all day oof, and kissed me from my head down to the tips of my toes and back again, and down my arms and across my boobies and neck and hips and he chewed them where the bones poke up and across my ribs and held my back arched and laid his head against my stomach, listening for the sounds of his son.
I thought about getting married but not at the Magistrate. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 28th, 2009|04:55 pm] |
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Nothing happened, and then it did. |
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